Dear Rose # 56- Grief, Anniversaries and Fleeting Pain

Rose is an amalgam of us - women in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond who are looking for somewhere they are seen, heard and listened to.

Dear Rose,

Photo by Hazel Blake

I was waiting for the crash, and here it is.

I’ve been living and writing with so much optimism and gratitude lately, but in the back of my mind, I’ve been thinking, This can’t last. Not in a pessimistic, "my life is always shit" way, but in a "this is real life" way. What I wasn’t expecting was how yucky it would feel when it happened.

It’s been a year this week since I lost my darling boy, Barney, and I don’t know what it is about anniversaries, but the pain, sorrow, and guilt of our last week together has come crashing back. I feel like I could’ve done more to save him—if only I could read a dog‘s mind—but I also know he was ready to go.

I can still feel what it felt like to walk away from the vet, knowing I’d never see him again. And I remember the weeks after he had gone, in the depths of winter, when I had never felt so alone. But right now, I can’t remember how it felt to have him snuggled up next to me on the couch.

The only silver lining that I can feel, as tears splash on this letter, is that I know this pain is fleeting. It might come back from time to time, but I’m getting to live more days without it.

Love, Em xx